Former blade of Arthur McDonald, ten-story, 200-ton last-King-of-the-Brittons who perished in the siege of CARL’S JUNIOR PRIME. His sword remains embedded in the Neo-Francisco Court of Appeals where he plunged it through 200 Vice Prosecutors and thousands of kilometers of rock before rushing into battle to fight for Carl’s Junior the only way he knew how: with his fists. The Sword itself is a sentient lifeform and architectural structure, housing 25 discrete court rooms. One is not summoned to these courts, but finds themselves inside them, having been called by the sword to answer for their deeds. You are tried not by a jury of your peers but by the unrelenting resolve of cold steel. If you are lucky, you will die.
Only 3 ¼ persons have survived the Trials of Excalibur’s Foibles. The ¼ Person: the animated hand, forearm, shoulder, and torso of cyborg-playwright MechaTolstoy has reported in writing that the trials by which a Defendant’s soul is judged are bouts of martial combat interspersed with ironic puzzles bespoke to the defendant’s crimes. The blade, itself a projection of Arthur McDonald’s incredibly specific and immutable sense of justice, in turn can project locations, objects, and even phantoms of souls the Defendant recognizes as peers, enemies, and lovers into any of its 25 courts.
A key indicator for someone unlucky enough to manifest in these courts is the feeling of cold metal, unavoidable no matter which texture is being projected, be it brick or corn or skin. Everything in the sword is made of sword. It is imperative that you treat everything in the sword like a sword. It’s all sword. You are in a giant sword.
Some have insinuated that doing battle with one’s past misdeeds in the 25 discrete courts of a giant sentient sword is not a proper system of criminal justice. A lawsuit was filed against Excalibur’s Foibles on behalf of the bereaved families of the 200 Vice Prosecutors crushed to death by the magnificent blade. Each family was summarily brought into the hallowed halls of the blade and summarily executed through trial by combat, including the 87 various and sundry children of the prosecutors. One of whom, an infant, survived. No further class action lawsuits have been attempted since, though many have been suggested.
The Child of the Blade
One real human being wanders the halls of Excalibur’s Foibles. Isabella Song, daughter of Vice Prosecutor Henry David Song, a newborn summoned into Excalibur’s Foibles during its first and only Class-Action Law Suit. Raised in the blade and by the blade, she is one of Rolling Stone’s Top 50 Swordspersons. The 3 ¼ survivors of the Trials all mention Isabella as a major factor in their survival, citing her as the closest thing the Foibles have to a defense attorney, asking for payment only in the form of whatever foodstuffs those summoned into the halls are carrying on their person. She is still there to this day.